Monday, January 23, 2012
Don't Call Dr. Beat, or Anyone Else
Burnout CRASH! is a racing game that is apparently part of Criterion Games' Burnout videogame series. I liked it immediately because it had old music ("Crash" by the Primitives circa 1988) for this old man, and that's a plus. The tunage was powered by Autolog, some kind of online gaming thing. They wanted me to buy into it, but I passed - I'm spoiled by all this free downloaded games.
At first glance, Burnout CRASH! appears to be what I like most about Smash Cars and the GTA games (and what I really wanted to like about Incredible Hulk) - smashing stuff. There is however a whole lotta introduction and directions. With so many rules, all the fun was being sucked out of this game more and more. Now I know I've complained about lack of directions before, but for a game where the point is to break stuff, it just seemed like far too much. Most infuriating of all was the voice of the stereotype west coast radio DJ constantly asking, "What are you waiting for?" That pissed me off.
The game itself is simple despite multiple unending instructions. You crash into an intersection with your car, and then blow up repeatedly, trying to cause as much collateral damage as possible. Sounds simple, right? Maybe I'm just not playing it right.
Just when I was convinced I couldn't be annoyed much more, I hear the song "Dr. Beat" by the Miami Sound Machine from the dark disco days before they let Gloria Estefan take more control. It's one of those songs that made folks hate disco. It made me hate disco. The tune plays whenever an ambulance comes onto the screen - which is a lot.
Take that, couple it with five to ten minutes of introduction, along with five to ten minutes of tallying my score, and I'm just angry. Why can't the game just let me break stuff in peace? And you know what even makes me more angry? I can play this game. I can operate the controller on this one. Too bad I'm not playing it any more. As of now, it becomes one of The Rejected. It made me too mad.